I've been dealing with a lot of stuff recently, and it seems that all of it stems from deeply rooted emotional place. My life isn't easy, it might not be the most horrible life ever, but it is not easy for me. I have so many problems and sometimes it feels I have no where to vent, ramble, rant or find help for them. Angelwick is my only line of defense against everything that boils inside of me and he wants so desperately to help but every once and a while falls a very short. Not because he's inadequate or lacking but because he doesn't have all the answers. I doubt anyone does.
Lately, I'm been questioning myself a lot about my beliefs, and I don't know if I know what I believe in any more. When it comes to belief and faith, and the ability to be blessed or touched by what you believe, I use to be very gifted. I promise I'm not trying to blow my own horn or be holier then now, I'm just telling the truth. I believe wholeheartedly in what I follow when I follow, and so strongly that I normally am touched by something more knowing then myself and form connections with it. It's startling when I think about it, but that doesn't make it any less true. I have had results with the craft that would knock your socks off. I have been able to predict things, weave spells beautifully from my own words, and heal when it's truly needed and touch many lives. I rarely talk about it because I don't want people to think I'm showboating when I'm not but it doesn't change the truth I feel and know in my heart. I was touched.
Here lately though, when I think of all the harm that's been done against me, and the pain I've lived through because of my own flesh and blood, a woman who also worked the craft but lied about her intentions, I'm shocked that the three fold law or that the higher power or whatever you wish to call it, hasn't come down on her and wiped her out.
I've lost faith, I've lost what made me blessed, because I wasn't protected from her.
I was raised Christian, Southern baptist actually, and then switched to Pentecostal because of my parents. I always fit very well in both, and then when I was older and found that I had a choice, I found myself drawn to Wicca. At first that is. Then I found Wicca didn't fit me, and found other crafts that weren't so cut and dry. I have my own beliefs. I hold to them. Sometimes they are very weird and I doubt that many people would be able to understand them but they seem to sometimes work for me. Or they use to.
The problems being, I'm stuck between them, between the Christian up bringing and the love I have for their God, and the love I have for Magic and everything dealing with the craft. Sometimes I don't think you can mix the two, and because they have both failed me. I want to scream at the heavens and find out why my mother is allowed to do such great harm to me, and everyone I love but have a happy little life with a new husband and friends who care for her. I want to know why the Christian God has failed me, and why the craft hasn't taken her out. I don't dwell on it too much. Not normally. But.. Recently I learned even more horrible things about her. I don't know if I can forgive myself, let alone the ones who let this happen, and the ones who haven't done anything to her.
I'm still a victim. I'm still a kidnapped little girl, whose has learned under the nail of an evil, evil woman who told such great lies that I've never ever know what's real, fake or who I even am. I still deal with the falling out of Stockholm Syndrome I didn't even know I had until two years back. I have been twisted, broken and I'm not.. I don't know what I am or what I am not. I wish I could break free and be able to do what needs to be done to her. Of course, I'm not talking about bodily harm, though I want to punch her some days, but legally.
I don't think I've reached the point where I can do anything myself, but I have also reached the point where I want something to be done. I want her to know that she can't keep getting away with her evil. And I want to know what I was so touched, so blessed with far reaching power, that I feel so abandoned by those I believe in.
That doesn't stop the questions. Or the wanting, longing for answers. I am a victim but I hope one day I'm free.
- From Punky with love.