Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Questions. A deep throughful and painful release.

I've been dealing with a lot of stuff recently, and it seems that all of it stems from deeply rooted emotional place. My life isn't easy, it might not be the most horrible life ever, but it is not easy for me. I have so many problems and sometimes it feels I have no where to vent, ramble, rant or find help for them. Angelwick is my only line of defense against everything that boils inside of me and he wants so desperately to help but every once and a while falls a very short. Not because he's inadequate or lacking but because he doesn't have all the answers. I doubt anyone does.

Lately, I'm been questioning myself a lot about my beliefs, and I don't know if I know what I believe in any more. When it comes to belief and faith, and the ability to be blessed or touched by what you believe, I use to be very gifted. I promise I'm not trying to blow my own horn or be holier then now, I'm just telling the truth. I believe wholeheartedly in what I follow when I follow, and so strongly that I normally am touched by something more knowing then myself and form connections with it. It's startling when I think about it, but that doesn't make it any less true. I have had results with the craft that would knock your socks off. I have been able to predict things, weave spells beautifully from my own words, and heal when it's truly needed and touch many lives. I rarely talk about it because I don't want people to think I'm showboating when I'm not but it doesn't change the truth I feel and know in my heart. I was touched.

Here lately though, when I think of all the harm that's been done against me, and the pain I've lived through because of my own flesh and blood, a woman who also worked the craft but lied about her intentions, I'm shocked that the three fold law or that the higher power or whatever you wish to call it, hasn't come down on her and wiped her out. 

I've lost faith, I've lost what made me blessed, because I wasn't protected from her.

I was raised Christian, Southern baptist actually, and then switched to Pentecostal because of my parents. I always fit very well in both, and then when I was older and found that I had a choice, I found myself drawn to Wicca. At first that is. Then I found Wicca didn't fit me, and found other crafts that weren't so cut and dry. I have my own beliefs. I hold to them. Sometimes they are very weird and I doubt that many people would be able to understand them but they seem to sometimes work for me. Or they use to.
The problems being, I'm stuck between them, between the Christian up bringing and the love I have for their God, and the love I have for Magic and everything dealing with the craft. Sometimes I don't think you can mix the two, and because they have both failed me. I want to scream at the heavens and find out why my mother is allowed to do such great harm to me, and everyone I love but have a happy little life with a new husband and friends who care for her. I want to know why the Christian God has failed me, and why the craft hasn't taken her out. I don't dwell on it too much. Not normally. But.. Recently I learned even more horrible things about her. I don't know if I can forgive myself, let alone the ones who let this happen, and the ones who haven't done anything to her. 

I'm still a victim. I'm still a kidnapped little girl, whose has learned under the nail of an evil, evil woman who told such great lies that I've never ever know what's real, fake or who I even am.  I still deal with the falling out of Stockholm Syndrome I didn't even know I had until two years back. I have been twisted, broken and I'm not.. I don't know what I am or what I am not. I wish I could break free and be able to do what needs to be done to her. Of course, I'm not talking about bodily harm, though I want to punch her some days, but legally. 

I don't think I've reached the point where I can do anything myself, but I have also reached the point where I want something to be done. I want her to know that she can't keep getting away with her evil. And I want to know what I was so touched, so blessed with far reaching power, that I feel so abandoned by those I believe in.

That doesn't stop the questions. Or the wanting, longing for answers. I am a victim but I hope one day I'm free. 

- From Punky with love.


  1. Punky, I read your post last night and thought about it a long time. And I don't want you to think of what I am about to write as a lecture but it is simply my experiences and observations.

    This is quite a heavy load to be carrying. There is nothing more hurtful than when a grown adult does intentional harm to a child. And the natural reaction is to lash out and return that harm, that hurt back towards the person initially inflicting the pain. But unfortunately, when we lash back, we are no better than the person who first inflicted the hurt.

    The Universe (God/Goddess/Supreme Being) will punish those who have done wrong (I am a believer in Karma) but it will do so when the time is right. Not when we want it to happen but when the Universe feels that it will be most effective. I truly believe this because I have seen it happen on more than one occasion.

    I was emotionally and psychologically abused by my Father growing up. I lived with the results of this for the majority of my adult life. I was bitter and felt that my faith had failed me. But then I realized that I could only be a victim if I allowed myself to be - that as long as I stayed this person, this victim, then my father 'won'. So I drug myself up out of the gutter and rose above the horrid things that my father had filled my head with. It wasn't always easy and many times I felt myself sliding backwards but I kept persevering till I was able to close the door on that dark chapter. I had learned to let go. Life is way too short to dwell on the negative so I chose to dwell on the positive. To remember the happy moments.

    You are a strong person Punky. And I know you will be able to overcome this. Do not dwell on the dark recesses of your past. It will make you a bitter person. I know - I've been there.

    I hope this has helped. And I'm only a keyboard away if you need to talk. ♥

  2. Hihi Jeanne ! Angelwick here. Thank you for replying to my dear sweet Punky.

    A lot of what you've said, barring your own personal experiences of course, rang true with both of us. Some of it we've even talked about before in our own way. For example, Punky too believes in Karma. For the first year of her getting away from her mother she refused to do the woman any harm. This was part Stockholm Syndrome, and part her beliefs in Karma and the universe.

    Me? I'm a big advocater of throw her in jail, in an asylum, and do it all in a grand F You soap opera dramatic style. >.> Yeah.. I'm bad.

    Thankfully ! Punky has been working on the Stockholm Syndrome part. She has come a long long way from the teenager that was kidnapped and warped. What's left now is a matter of faith.

    We're young, as you know Jeanne. We're each only a quarter of a century old. We're still learning our way in the world and on our paths. Impatience is strong within us. It does something very dark and hurtful to each of us when that woman gets things so easily, when life just bends to her and she never ever pays a consequence ever. Yes, she did her own child a lot of harm, but she's also a professional criminal. Yet, she just waltzes out of police stations like Satan himself is holding her hand.

    To be honest, these days we just try not to talk/think about her, even though that is toxic too. It's just.. hard. I'm hoping that I'll get permission soon from Punky to blog about the evils of that woman so you can get a better scope.

    I guess, Punky and I would just like some kind of a guarantee that she really will pay, that karma will get her before she dies. I'm not sure what it would do to Punky if that woman just got away scot free.

    Thanks again, ever so much.


  3. Since I read your comment, I too have spent a long time thinking, and I'm still not sure what to say.

    I agree with most of what you said, most of it sounds like my own thoughts, but the dark thoughts have gotten stronger. The dark moments are few and far between. I'm a very laid back sort of person. I believe in karma and have told myself too many times that her time would come. It's taking to long. She got married on Christmas. She has no business marrying anyone. She's evil. She's caused so much pain. To everyone in my family.

    I sometimes feel like time is running out. And I try very hard not to be bitter, or angry.. But I also think it's my right. She's done a lot of bad. She turned me against my father, starved my brothers, and lied about my whole life.